Monday, December 8, 2008

Rescue Barbie

*K-9 Rescue Barbie*

This Christmas season; give the latest, hottest new Barbie -- K-9 Rescue Barbie. She comes with her own SUV, and various size dog crates inside.

She has a cell phone that's barely working due to over use and underpayment.

Barbie herself is decked out in jeans, grungy athletic shoes, and a t-shirt that says "Dogs are Better Than Any Other Living Thing on Earth". She comes with a road atlas of every town and state in all of North America, and a GPS on the dashboard of the SUV. She also has a map of every McDonald's in the world.

Optional is the special Rescue Dog Barbie laptop computer with the names and addresses of every other dog rescue person on earth, in case she gets somewhere and a contact fails to show up.

Running buddy, "Lucky", the three-legged, blind Shih Tzu doll is available for an additional $49.95.

For $89.95, you can complete the set with "Pissed off husband at home, Ken," and the various foster dogs at $20 each.

Prices for accessories are:

Fake snow falling on Barbie's SUV: $12.95
Flat tire for Barbie's SUV: (see Barbie's Road Service")
Barbie's First Aid Kit: (human): $11.75, (canine): $69.50
Barbie's Speeding Ticket: $95 (Mississippi--$195)
Barbie's coat-that-she-had-to-buy-in-Minnesota: $85
Barbie's Vet Bill for Lucky in Isla Mujeres, New Mexico: $63.45
Barbie's contact, Rhonda, who she had to give gas money to in Mesa Verde, Texas: $20.
Barbie's bill to get her contact, Luis, out of jail in Bakersfield, California: $500.
Barbie's bill to get Luis's dogs out of the pound in Bakersfield, California: $265.
Barbie's hotel/kennel bill in Laughlin, Nevada, while she waits for her contact:$532.
Barbie's overalls that she has to buy while in Minden, Nebraska, hunting down lost coonhounds: $49.95
Pizza for suspicious looking hitch-hiker with sick puppy: $15
Vet bill for hitch-hikers sick puppy in Des Moines, Iowa: $143.29
Barbie's doggie wheelchair for "Klause" the rescue dachshund in Leavenworth, Kansas: $143.
And Barbie's van detailing/fumigation from hauling parvo/kennel cough puppies: $187.
Barbie's resume to get new job when she gets home from run: $29.95

And let us not forget her sister doll - Cat Rescue Barbie, who comes with the same equipment, (substitute "cat" for "dog"), also:

Folding ladder in vehicle: $129.95
Have-a-heart trap: $29.95
Cans of tuna for baiting trap: $11.95
Long handled fishing net: $39.95
Case of Simple Clean: $259.95
Black light (to detect cat urine): $29.95
Tee shirt that says "The More I Know About Men, The More I Love My Cat"
Running buddy "Jeep" - 3-legged tailless cat named after vehicle that claimed her missing appendages: $89.95
Vet bill for Jeep $397.95
Friend Edith, 87-year-old feral colony feeder, who calls begging favors when her arthritis acts up and she can't get out. $59.95
Food for Edith's colony cats (after all, Edith is on Social Security) $139.95
Friend Margie, do-gooder with pristine home and one spoiled cat, whose idea of being a rescuer is to pick up strays and take them to Barbie for rehab, vetting, fostering, and placement. $89.95
Vet bills for Margie's rescues $892.95
Mother Sadie, who calls weekly to ask Barbie when she is going to get rid of all those smelly cats and give her some grandchildren already $ 89.95 (telephone extra)
Shrink who talks Barbie out of killing above-mentioned persons each week $500

Vet who makes house calls and doesn't blink at unannounced visits and odd-hour consultations: *priceless*

*Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light*

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